A really touching piece actually and something you should read to know there are people that feel the same as you, with the same fears and apprehensions, particularly if you are daunted by the what may lie ahead. It concerns a woman coming to terms with the loss of her partner and describes the mixture of physical sensation and spiritual feeling as she plans to scatter her partners ashes. A few points she makes are well worth drawing out. The fact that she wants to know what to expect before the scattering. I knew I needed to see and touch his ashes privately before I would be able to see and touch them publicly. She goes on to describe the physical touch and smell of the ashes. And that it took some of the fear away: Touching his ashes was sobering, but not devastating.

Anyway, less of my waffling here it is and thank you Rhiannon for sharing it with us…

I had not opened the urn in the eight months since he died. I couldn’t face the stark reality of his beloved body’s reduction to a few pounds of powdered carbon. Somehow, I convinced myself last night when I couldn’t sleep that maybe I was ready to take that step. For one thing, I have been making plans for a scattering ceremony in August; I knew I needed to see and touch his ashes privately before I would be able to see and touch them publicly. I broke down last August when the funeral director handed the box to me. The realization that George’s entire physical being now fit into a 6” x 6” x 6” cube almost knocked me off my feet. I had to sit down fast to keep from falling. When I carried the box home and placed it safely on the mantel, I couldn’t imagine how I would ever be able to open and examine the contents.

And now I have seen and touched and smelled George’s cremains, and I got through it–although my tears fell like rain drops into the open plastic bag. I had read that human ashes are heavy, like course sand. His ashes were heavy, and gray/white. I picked some up and let it run through my fingers. I imagined his spirit talking me through this experience, reminding me that even in this radically changed form, his body still was beloved to me. I felt myself caressing his ashes with my fingers–and picking up small pieces of bone that had escaped the fire. I remember thinking: “George was larger than life. How is it possible that I am holding his ashes and fragments of his bones in my hand?” Even as I cried, I marveled at the strangeness.

I leaned down and smelled the not unpleasant scent of the ashes and felt a familiar wave of love and longing wash over me. I found that there was nothing scary or creepy or even devastating about seeing and touching George’s ashes. I have already been devastated by his loss from my life, and there is nothing worse that this or any other part of the process can do to me. Touching his ashes was sobering, but not devastating.

As I put the plastic bag back into the urn and tightened the screws that held the lid securely in place, I thanked my sweet George for loving me until he died (and beyond, if my prayers and wishes are true). In life, he was a lover of women, and gave his heart freely. I was not the first or only love that he had known in his life, but I was the last. His ashes are on my mantel, and mine alone. I will return them to our Mother Earth in August, but for now, they sit on my mantel. I no longer fear them. They are as beloved to me as every particle and every manifestation of him has ever been or will ever be. It is still him, even now.

http://www.democraticunderground.com/1234290

Funeral Rings

Memorial jewellery is not a new idea, the tradition appears to date back to the medieval times. I found this little piece in my beloved BBC History magazine, the brief article said that ‘Mourning rings’ popular principally in England became more commonplace in the 16th century and lasted into the early 1900s.

This is not quite the same as our memorial jewellery, where a little bit of a loved ones ashes either goes into a hollow piece of jewellery or incorporated into glass. These were engraved with a loved ones names or motto etc . It says: “While the very poorest could not afford them, relatively modest individuals would at least try to leave money for rings for close family members. Everyone attending the funeral of a rich person might get a ring.”

What I found odd was the designs. Often they did not contain a stone; although jet became popular in the Victorian time (why were the Victorian’s so inclined toward the Gothic? – maybe a blog for another day…thinking about that why were the Goths associated things dark and sinister?). However it said that designs included skull and crossbones – Ahoy M’hearty’s! By a little quirk I happened to come across a display of them in the British Museum – hence my poor quality photo above.

Anyway as with many traditions the First World War put pay to it, the enormity of loss made such gestures seem a bit indulgent. Apparently they made a brief resurgence in the US with Bakelite rings that contained a photo of the loved one. Nice.

What the article didn’t seem to consider is that as society going back towards this sort of memorialisation and that this tradition is remerging although in a different way with keepsake jewellery containing ashes of a loved from pendants and bracelets to cufflinks and memorial rings.

http://www.historyextra.com/qa/funeral-practices

Firstly I can’t believe this story made the national press in the States or in the UK. A 90 year old cremation urn has been found washed up on the coast of Oregon, USA. And the search was on to find a rightful home.
Alex Reed found the dented copper cremation urn whilst clambering over rocks at the seaside. First clue – the funeral urn was engraved with ‘William George Kennedy 1870-1925′. The young chap then enlisted the help of a local funeral director in Astoria to help track down the decedents.
The funeral director said: ‘When he showed up with an urn that was 87 years old and looked like it had been to hell and back, I can’t even tell you what went through my mind.’…. let me guess wow an old dented urn how unusual! To be fair the lad must given him a clue before he brought it along. If he’d turned up with a stuffed antelope or some rainbow coloured beetroot then perhaps the phrase could have applied – or am I just being a bit British about this?
So it got some media interest, which attracted numerous offers of help from genealogists and volunteers.
It turns out the deceased was an expert gardener from Canterbury in Kent (poetic don’t you think?). He had moved to the States initially Oregon then Washington DC.
They have tracked down some relatives, one in the UK, ‘a great granddaughter of Mr Kennedy living in England who is ‘thrilled’ with the discovery’. Thrilled, you know I bet she was, wonder what emotion now occupies that space? Not being mean or cynical here, just …well, what is she supposed to do with them now? Are they now a personality and thus require reverence and prominence within the house? After all that can she put them back in the water?
There are number of other claimants, the most plausible was from someone who said it was a distant relative – an uncle to a former mother-in-law. And it appears the cremation urn was kept in a cupboard until they thought it was time to ‘set them free’ where upon ‘They went off in a boat about 50 miles off Astoria and then dropped him in [the water]‘ about 30 to 35 years ago.
Now those superstitious among us may think that the deceased obviously wanted to kept and loved on tera ferma. Those more scientifically minded may think it was not a great plan to cast a watertight floating durable container into the sea expecting it to disappear! And so to the moral of the story – make sure the urn does what it is supposed to or buy one that does – have I mentioned we stock suitable products?
One more thing they even have a video! Well here it is …

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2124730/William-George-Kennedy-Search-descendants-urn-1925-washed-Oregon-coast.html#ixzz1sqMErVby

I am not sure how I feel about this actually, they are offering a service and it appears that they are not charging a fortune for this, and it perhaps adds a bit of piece of mind, but really. It is very likely I am being an old cynic and that people using the service really appreciated it. So I shall sit on the fence on this one…

If however any of you out there have any experience of this service one way or the other let me know…

http://www.myfinalcruise.com/

Here is a little article that caught my eye a Chinese website from Shenzhen (near Hong Kong) and give us a little window into other cultural cremation practices.

After a seven day cremation ceremony of the Buddhist master Benhuan, his cremator was opened and it revealed a number of relics, these appear to be ball like stones that are recovered from ashes in the cremator after it has cooled down. Apparently these precious objects and don’t occur at the cremation of every spiritual master and are considered very sacred. They are to be divided amongst the temples where Benhuan served during his 80 years practising the religion.

Yinshun, the abbot of the temple said: “We worshiped in front of this cremator for seven days. The cremation ceremony and cremator-opening ceremony were conducted according to the ancient ways of Buddhism, as Benhuan required.”

The amount and shapes (presumably these too are symbolic?) of the relics will be announced Friday, at the Hongfa Temple in Luohu District, Shenzhen.  I will keep you posted if I can work out what these actually represent, fascinating stuff.

http://www.whatsonshenzhen.com/news-2063-buddhist-relics-found-in-cremated-remains-of-buddhist-master-benhuan.html
 

Two November girls

scatter his ashes at sea;

sad wild waves thunder.

Well there you go, I have no idea whether this is good or bad Haiku but judging by the response it was well received.

For those not familiar with the term Haiku is a Japanese form of poetry, Japanese haiku have been traditionally composed in 5-7-5 syllables, so 17 in total. When poets started writing English haiku in the 1950′s, they adopted this 5-7-5 form, now this considered to be “traditional” English haiku.

I read and I get the picture – so I guess job done, umm does that make me seem like a complete philistine? No comments on that please…

http://susanwritesprecise.com/2012/04/05/ogunquit/

Funny, every week a story about a plea for the return of stolen cremation urn pops into my Inbox. The result some halfwit burglar stealing a cremation urn, presumably in ignorance? But the latest theme tends to be about ‘donating’ them to charity shops. I have to say I like the picture, there is something about the expression of the lady thrusting the urn to toward the photographer.

Again this seems to stir our dismay and sensibilities, how could Aunt Mabel end up lining the shelves of Oxfam (although in this case an Arthritis Research Campaign shop)? Well I guess it will become increasingly common, that is cremation urns turning up in unusual places as opposed to an arthritic charity shop in Midlothian, oh dear what am I saying I didn’t mean the shop was arthritic ….

Anyway, ashes are often beyond value to those nearest and dearest, but one onion layer away and they can be no more than a shrug or a burden. It is not difficult to imagine a situation where this would be the case – a person with no surviving relatives, an unloved stepparent, or managing a distant relatives estate from abroad.

However, before I forget about the story entirely it also had the ubiquitous helping of black humour that accompanies such articles. I shall quote the loins share as it does convey good mental imagery…

She said: “There were three separate women who had handed in donations that morning, so it was one of them, but we weren’t paying attention as we were busy, so we didn’t see who they were.

“I saw the vase and immediately thought it was valuable because we had received a similar one the week before and we had researched up on it.

“So one of my colleagues was checking underneath it to see if it was indeed another vase from Germany when a wee bit poured out.”

Ms Skilbeck said she realised straight away what the ashes were, adding: “I thought someone must have handed them in by mistake so I scooped what I could into a bag and then Hoovered up the rest.

“I left the ashes in a bag in the back of the shop but the other volunteers were getting uncomfortable about them being there, so after about a week I called the funeral parlour.

“I really hope someone claims them. The lady from the funeral parlour said she thought there was only about a third of what should have been there, however I thought there was quite a lot.”

Arlene Newbigging, Barclays Funeral Services funeral service arranger, said they would know by next week if it was a pet or human ashes.”

She said: “They went away for testing on Wednesday. There was not as much as I would expect so they could be a pet, however they could also be human as sometimes families split them between themselves so that’s why there would only be half in the vase.”

Hoots man! Hoovering up a wee bit of Mabel! Whatever next!?

Sorry, one more thought before I go, Funeral Parlour. The word Parlour left our common parlance ages ago didn’t it? Yet thinking about it, that is what you would call the actual establishment, is that because a calling it a shop is wrong as it cheapens it and well to be fair is not very accurate. Or is it that the funeral industry is stuck in a pseudo Victoriana world? What about Funeral Service Centre… no you’re right, that is not good either, it conjures up thoughts of a heavy tattooed man in an oily overall pointing at a coffin on a trolley and shrugging, saying he had to replace all the parts and it will cost double, or sharp dressed chap in his late twenties with an ostentatious tie who has pounds signs for eyes. Shall we stick to parlour for a bit longer?

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-edinburgh-east-fife-17554229

Unclaimed cremation Urns

This article appeared in the BBC magazine website to accompany the Radio 4 documentary ‘Feed Me To The Wind’. It is worth a read and concerns itself with wider issues ashes and attitudes; if I may, I will pull out the salient comments from the public and the funeral trade on the issue.

‘Adam Heath, a funeral director from Sheffield, has noticed a shift in how the bereaved treat ashes during his 30-year career.

“It used to be that everyone was scattered at the garden of remembrance [at] the crematorium,” he says. Now, as fictional depictions of ash-scattering are more common, they prefer to take the ashes to a location with personal significance for the deceased. “They would like to be able to do their own thing, too.” – this is interesting as in the opinion Mr Heath, it is fiction that has dictated desire and practice, I hadn’t really considered this to be the driving force of the trend, perhaps it is? I think it fair to assume it has made it more socially acceptable.

A lady from Bristol makes the following point. “One minute he’s your dad, then the next you’ve got this urn – plastic and disappointing,” says Sally, of Bristol. “You want to do it poetically, like in the movies, but there’s always more of it. And, in the end, you’re like ‘Oh, just tip him out.’” – Yes, the cremation industry for what ever reason (cost I presume) cheapens the process through the continued use of ugly utilitarian plastic cremation urns. And she makes the point that no one warns you of the amount, I think her last comment is slightly sad.

Kevin Browne, bereavement services manager for Broxtowe Borough Council, says it is part of our national psyche to be surprised by ashes.  ”We’re so British, we don’t talk about death, do we? People aren’t aware of the options they’ll have – they haven’t given it any thought at all.

“On TV you just see a token gesture [amount] being scattered – a couple of eggcupfuls. The quantity and weight seem to catch people off guard.” – Absolutely right!

The second part of the article relates to when the ashes are not collected. All over the country there are literally thousands of cremation urns lining the wall of funeral directors, where relatives have not wanted or not been able to bring themselves to collected the ashes. Every funeral director will have a room of unclaimed ashes – what should they do?

As we point out in our post entitle who owns cremation ashes, that you can only possess the ashes and that like a living person you can’t own them. The article is correct – Ashes will be returned to whoever made the funeral arrangements, not necessarily the next of kin.

One of the reasons the funeral directors hold onto them is pointed out in the article:

Nor do funeral directors press the issue with the recently bereaved, says Heath.

“It’s important, to arrange someone’s funeral, to get some insight into their psyche, to get what’s right for them at the time. But what they want to do with the ashes, collecting them or not, I don’t want to take sides or pick a fight.”

One part of the piece I found fascinating was a brief quote from Douglas Davies, of the Centre for Death and Life Studies at Durham University, says even Britons who are not religious want to mark a loved one’s passing in a way that reflects that person’s values and preferences.

“In the Christian idea, people thought you would gain a new identity in heaven. But with a decrease in this idea, this ‘looking back’ [at a person's past] came on – and there were the cremated remains as a symbol.”  - I would love to know why this reflective trend has developed. Perhaps there isn’t a why, maybe it is just logic if a person doesn’t have a ‘future’, certainly no present, it becomes appropriate to look at their past…?

Anyway well done to Caleb Parkin for this well written article – here is http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-17300390

You can experience the thrill of freefall and even learn the basics of steering, while securely attached to a highly experienced Instructor.

You will have a parachute that is designed for two people. You’ll take an aircraft to around 13,000ft (approx. 2 miles high!) where you’ll leave the aircraft with your instructor. Falling at 120mph, you descend to 5,000ft in around just 40 seconds, where your instructor will open the parachute and descend safely back to earth scattering the ashes on the way. The whole thing lasts for about 6 minutes and from that height you get quite a view.

Following a short pre-jump briefing, You will be provided with a skydiver’s jumpsuit to go over your clothes (wear something comfy), headgear and goggles.

Hop in the plane it spiralling up for 20 to 25 minutes then off you go

The company is affiliated to the British Parachute Association. All tandem instructors are very experienced freefall parachutists who hold BPA Tandem Instructor ratings.

There is a send-off you won’t forget.

Based in Suffolk in the UK.

Prices start of at £180 depending on which day although general about £230.

My only beef with the programme was the chap who went on at length say how toxic cremation ashes are, whilst the programme did balance this up, those I spoke to took away the point that they ‘ [had] never realised that cremation ashes were high toxic!’, in truth they a pretty much inert. See the post: are cremation ashes toxic?

Catch it while it is still on – BBC iPlayer

The title of the programme ‘Feed Me To The Wind’ is a lyric from a song entitled ‘The joy of living’ by the folk singer Ewan MacColl. To be honest until speaking to the programme’s producer Caleb Parkin I had never heard of it, it is lovely song – really evocative, but then I can have a bit of an Achilles heal concerning sentimental ballads.

Producer – Caleb Parkin

Presenter – Amanda Mitchison